Following the success of the Chagrin and the Xeno Stormer Variants to full Operative status, Phantom Pregnancy announced today that they will be running tests for other Stormer Variants in the near future.  Dr. Ernest Strand said in a press conference today, 'With the success of the 711 and 714 we are hoping that we can introduce other Stormer Variants to the World of Progress.  Our first tests are already being undertaken on the enhanced version of the 330 Gator that is used on Artery and we have many more versions still to come.'
  Dr. Strand concluded the announcement by saying, 'The future is what we make of it and Phantom Pregnancy plans to make the future for everyone as good as we can do.' -Monica Weathers, SCL 7C, Mort Times
 
 

  Monday Night Football just got more exciting as five new teams enter the league.  The Furnace Heat, Twilight Jazz, Borean Rain, Rust Greaser and Arboroath Berserkers bring the total up to sixteen teams in the league. 
  Competition and rivalries have already started between both the new and old teams, while the booking halls are getting longer lines.  With the season just barely started, it's going to be a long, exciting year in football. -Sara Brynt, SCL 7C, Third Eye News
  
 

  Early last week, FLC released a new line of weapons to the public, which met with limited success. Several weapon enthusiasts appluaded the works created, but by and large, were not overly impressed.  Hopefully, opinions will change, once the world sees the weapons in practice tonight on SIC TV.
  Of the three new swords released, the FLC-Short Sword, seemed to be the most sought after.  It's small but effective size made it a handy weapon for new operatives, who get confined to Blue BPNs and the sewers all to often. -Regulus, SCL 8A, Mort Times
 
 

  Ebon navigators often tell that each planet as a specific flavor that they can feel while they fold space. To them Twilight tastes like candy. The reason is Twilight and the four other moons of gas giant Dadamo are rich with Kiearathien. Kiearathien is the crystal used in the fabrication of Flux gems.
  Dark Lament manage SLA Industries business on Twilight and the four other moon, especially Kiearathien mining. Beside the mining industry Twilight is famous among ebons as a vacation place. Each year more ebbusers come to this place.
  The most famous place of Twilight is the city of Cameron, the biggest of the five town on the planet. It's surrounded by a forest of trees bigger than building. And right in the middle in the town tourists can marvel at the two great Cathedrals. The first is older than the town and is made of Kiearathien and the second is the headquarters of Dark Lament on Twilight, the most important SLA building on the planet. In every other city of the planet there's a big Kiearathien structure, but none is as awe inspiring as the Cathedrals of Cameron.
  Twilight is definitively a place to see, especially if you're Ebon. Millions of ebbusers have done it already. -Francois Lalande, SCL 7D, Mort Times
 

     Alien Sex Channel
10 pm Animate Feature: Tentacle Terror
11 pm Maiden of Decadence
12 pm The Dr. R’th show

  Channel 8
10 pm The adventures of Captain Contract, Blood and Honor
11 pm Mort's Most Wanted 
12 pm Late Night Movie: Down Amongst The Dead Men

    MSN
10 pm Speed Ball, Revolver vs. The Renegades
11 pm Shaktarian Bull Fighting
12 pm SLA Football League, Rust Greaser vs. Twilight Jazz

   SHSC
10 pm Karma Fashion
11 pm Ice Sculptures from Polo
12 pm Close Combat Weapons from GASH
 
 

Neil de Carteret, SCL 9B, Third EyE News
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Each week we look at one of many people who live and work in the World of Progress.

This week: The Undertaker
=========

ND: Name?
JC: Joseph Crispiani

ND: Occupation?
JC: Undertaker. I work for a small family company under the auspices of
the Department of Sanitation.

ND: Does it pay well?
JC: They say that our profession is never likely to run out of business.

ND: So how much does a funeral cost, from beginning to end?
JC: Anything from 500u to over 10,000u, depending on the level of service required. Also, a lot of our corpses have had SLA employment records, and their department or company will pay for their funeral service.

ND: So what does my family's 2,000u buy?
JC: All the pre funereal arrangements: death certificates, our Chapel Of Rest, help with choosing and fitting a coffin, surface embalming. Then the service; if the family have any religious convictions, we can negotiate with a suitable church on their behalf, but in those cases they usually want to take care of it themselves. Normally we will arrange for a meeting hall near where the deceased lived, and contact employers and friends to find people who might wish to speak.

ND: Who conducts the funeral?
JC: I do. But I'm just a facilitator. It's my job to the help the bereaved give their loved one a fair send-off.

ND: Does your work affect you psychologically?
JC: It would be wrong if it didn't, I think. Every case reminds me of our mortality, of how fundamentally fragile we are.

ND: Do you have any religious convictions yourself?
JC: I prefer not to disclose that information. My beliefs should be
immaterial to my clients, but sadly that's rarely the case. I was once
contacted by a Shaktar family to help arrange a funeral, and they
started to insist that I join in their ceremonies. Apparently their
faith required that I have undergone some sort of blessing before I
could be present at the final service. I couldn't have that sort of public religious bond, especially to a faith which had no personal
meaning to me. I had to decline.

ND: Death attracts some pretty odd responses, as we see on television. Do you ever get any trouble in your line of work?
JC: There's a steady supply of unstable types wondering if can get them a body. They are always disappointed. Twice we've had break-ins at the chapel. The first time it was a relative of a deceased having mental problems; the second time it was props hired by someone in the skin trade.

ND: Thank you for your time.
JC: Thank you, and don't fear the end.

  Famous Cute Male Experienced SLAop Ebon seeks similar female for Friendship and socializing. Smoker. Interested in self improvement. Applications should be made in writing including a photo to PObox A, A.V.S. 23 Bexter Street, Suburbia sector 32.

  Ok this has got to be the weirdest thing ever..
Wanted: One nice probably male, if such things, apply A.I. for fun and
socializing with a similar, sort of, female ZX80 A.I. Respond to well Mags, pretty much any where on the CYNET3. This better Fucking work.
 

This weeks winning numbers are: 
1 5 5 0 1 1 6 6 

Jackpot is current 2,384,745u

5 numbers = free ticket. 
            Odds of winning 1 in 32,768
6 numbers = 10u.
            Odds of winning 1 in 262,144
7 numbers = 1000u.
            Odds of winning 1 in 2,097,152
8 numbers = jackpot.
            Odds of winning 1 in 16,777,216
 
 

Dear Love Goddess.
  I need help. My long term boy friend seems to have developed a problem. I am one of the few lucky enough to have a job but I work late into the night. Recently My boyfriend stated watching the Alien Sex Channel darkest hour programs. [He used to watch Gorezone all night but he said its got to repetitive.]
  At first it was kind of fun to come home and have him all ready, if you know what I mean, but over the last few weeks he has become more
interested in "watching" rather than "doing". What Can I do to get him interested in me again? 
Abandoned of Sector 713

----

Dear Abandoned.
  Gore zone too repetitive? He has only just noticed. Oh well. It sounds like your boyfriends tastes are changing in more places than
just the bed room. Looks like he may be finding you boring and repetitive as well.
  I suggest you stay up and watch with him one night. Then may be suggest that rather than just watching he'd like to do it for real with you. You might find him more than willing. You might find he has a point. 
Yours,
Love Goddess.
----

  A 55,000 Uni reward is being offered for any information leading to the arrest of Eft Estampida.  Eft is a blonde, human who wears a red trench coat, sunglasses and carries a Blitzer.
 
 

    Morning Cresent-1 bedroom, living & dining room, Washer/Dryer 400c/month, 400c deposit. 1st Month Free. 07-958-6303

  Do you have what it takes to be a Shiver? Contact you local Shiver Station to apply. Great Pay, good benefits and job security. Help protect Mort and serve SLA Industries. Shiver Station and SLA Industries are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

  Gate, chain link, 4 feet wide, 5 feet high, 25c.  Window, white vinyl frosted glass.  3 x 11.5 feet 30c.  07-685-9741

  News reporters needed. If you have a story, we want to print it.  Serious inquiries only. Contact Eric Larsen at 03-129-4729 

  6 tickets for sale, Sneaky Pimps Gig, DT345, first ever show. Contact Willy Douvrey 07-856-9835

  Got an Idea? Jury rigged a gadget that you just can't live without? Think some one else might feel the same? A&A Innovations are looking for new and novel gadgets, trinkets and Ideas for commercial sale. Any concepts appreciated, all ideas considered regardless of how silly they may sound (Just look at out catalogue) Good rates paid and an option of payment methods. Contact Mags@AAI.cynet.mt for details.

  Serve the Monarch Police and protect your community. Specialized training, career options and plenty of opportunities for advancement is only a phone call away. Contact your local Monarch Police Station and help end the violence.

  Got a dent in your Battle Taxi? SCAF flying upside down? Augustus won't start? AVS 32 Bexter st, sector 23. Reasonable rates for SLA ops. 24hr response available, Jobs done quickly and quietly. 06-AVS-1234

  Do you have what it takes to make money, survive and claim the admiration of your fellow man. "Shooting Things For Money" is looking for you! Contact Gore zone at 07-STF-MONEY.