What started out as a normal patrol for Officer Belkin, Stomer SHIVER, turned ugly today.  While directing traffic, Officer Belkin halted all vehicles to let an all Stormer Op team, DiStORtioN, to go through unhindered.  Several humans started harassing Officer Belkin and it quickly turned ugly as more humans started throwing garbage at Belkin.  Office Belkin tried to call for backup, but was run over and killed by a vehicle.  DiStORtioN was the first on the scene and dispersed the crowd with several gunshots into the crowd.
  Besides the death of Office Belkin, three humans were also killed and six more were injured.  An investigation is being conducted on this unfortunate incident. -Quill, SCL 9, Mort Times
 
 

  Craig the Carrien, star carrien on Mort Carrien Lotto, passed away this weekend due to multiple gunshot wounds.  After surviving for 11 weeks and taking over 10 players with him, Isaac Alexander finally put the finishing shot into him.  Craig did manage to take Isaac with him, bringing his total to 11 deaths. 
  Craig will be cremated at the White Gate Funeral home.  Rob Steed, the first winner of the MCL, will be in attendance and will speak in the eulogy.  Craig will be missed. -Cynic, SCL 7D, Mort Times
 
 

  Early last week, the renegade serial killer Eft Estampida was involved in destroying eight city blocks in Meny.  A SHIVER squad noticed him, called in backup and proceeded to try to apprehend the villain.  Eft eluded the SHIVERS until Random Chaos showed up to answer the SHIVERS call.
  Random Chaos started a fire fight with Eft Estampida, while the SHIVERS began evacuating civilians.  Random Chaos in frustration brought out some heavy weapons, which escalated the combat and resulted in eight city blocks being destroyed.  Remarkable enough, no one was killed.  Eft Estampida escape the carnage and Random Chaos will be doing at 10 year tour on Cross to repay the damage they cause. -Sara Bryant, SCL 7C, Third Eye News 
 
 

  Matt Rose recently won the Spring Pulitzer contest held by the Mort Times.  His story of a conspiracy and treachery at one of the Atmosphere Processing Stations, left the readers filled with horror and fear. -Eric Larsen, SCL 
 
 

     Alien Sex Channel
10 pm Animate Feature: Ranma 1/3
11 pm Eight is enough, a necanthrope 
   adventure
12 pm The Dr. R’th show

    Channel 8
10 pm The adventures of Captain Contract, 
   The Green Tower
11 pm Mort's Most Wanted 
12 pm Late Night Movie: South Mort, 
   the Movie

    MSN
10 pm Speed Ball, Steel Fury vs Revolvers
11 pm Oreinta Kendo Competition
12 pm SLA Football League, Meny Rangers vs K'n'th Sevens
 
 

Quill, SCL 9, Mort Times
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Each week we look at one of many people who live and work in the World of Progress.

This week: The Sex Therapist

MT: <dialing> 01-SEX-ADVC
DR: 'ello!  This is Dr. R'th, you're on the air.

MT: Hello Dr. R'th.  My name is Quill from the Mort Times.
DR: 'ello Quill.  Vhat seems to be the problem?

MT: Well, I don't have a problem, I wanted to interview you.
DR: Ahh.. so you vish to ask me questions, so I can help you.  Ok, ask avay.

MT: How long have you  been a therapist?
DR: I've been in syndication since 805 SD and a therapist vor var longer. So you don't have to vorry about my qualifications.

MT: What do you do for you patients?
DR: Vell I listen to them and tell them about themselves. Take you vor instance. Your a repressed virgin who has a problem with veman.

MT: How did you know that?
DR: Listen to your talk. You sound like you have a stick shoved up you ass.  Loosen up.  Veman aren't bad creatures and you'd do good to get laid occasionally.

MT: So how do I get laid then?
DR: My boy, I'm a therapist, not a miracle vorker. <laughs> Ven you get your voman, just do vhat comes naturally.  She vill most likely help you too.

MT: But what happens if I can't....  umm... perform?
DR: If the voman knows vhat she's doing, have no vear.  Most veman are very understanding with untried talent.  If things don't vork, keep trying.

MT: Where do I go?
DR: Quill, you are a young strong vraith raider.  You have a good job.  Thousands of young female vraith raiders are listening right now.  I'm sure you'll have do trouble after this veek.

MT: Well thank you Dr. R'th.
DR: You're velcome Quill and good luck.  Don't forget to vear your condom.

  A 10,000 Uni reward is being offered for any information leading to the arrest of Eft Estampida.  Eft is a blonde, human who wears a red trench coat, sunglasses and carries a Blitzer.

  GoreZone will be moving to Downtown Sector G-14 for Autumn Armeggedon. Residents are advised to relocate. Contact GoreZone officials for more information and assistance in relocation.

  Craig the Carrien, recently of the Mort Carrien Lotto, finally died from multiple gunshots Saturday.  His body will be burned on Tuesday at the White Gate funeral home.

  Officer Belkin's memorial service will be held on Wednesday at Dorsey's funeral home. Belkins exemplary service to the SHIVER
department will not be forgotten.
 

This weeks winning numbers are: 
4 6 5 7 6 4 2 4

Jackpot is current 1,368,743u

5 numbers = free ticket. 
            Odds of winning 1 in 32,768
6 numbers = 10u.
            Odds of winning 1 in 262,144
7 numbers = 1000u.
            Odds of winning 1 in 2,097,152
8 numbers = jackpot.
            Odds of winning 1 in 16,777,216

  Do you have what it takes to be a Shiver? Contact you local Shiver Station to apply. Great Pay, good benefits and job security. Help protect Mort and serve SLA Industries. Shiver Station and SLA Industries are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

  Female Albino Burmese, Approx. 6ft, friendly and needs a good home. 400 cred OBO, Contact Karen at 05-876-5881

  News reporters needed. If you have a story, we want to print it.  Serious inquiries only. Contact Eric Larsen at 03-129-4729 

  Daughter looking for long lost mother. mother is named Minja Ha, last known address was in New Paris. Approx age is 47yrs old and has been on Mort for approx. 25yrs, please help us!!! Contact Kim Seayun at 08-741-9865

  Serve the Monarch Police and protect your community. Specialized training, career options and plenty of opportunities for advancement is only a phone call away. Contact your local Monarch Police Station and help end the violence.

  Do you have what it takes to make money, survive and claim the admiration of your fellow man. "Shooting Things For Money" is looking for you! Contact Gore zone at 07-STF-MONEY.